Why I started to write, blog, document my preemie's journey
Capturing Feelings Being a New Preemie Mom:
Why I started to write, blog, document my preemie's journey
It was hard to talk to anyone about our preemie and articulate what just happened that could actually make sense to me.
Everything was so new and raw..I didn't have anyone who could directly relate or give advice to our intricate situation with baby Kaylee.
How could I be the saddest and happiest emotion at the same time?
I was going through the mixed emotions of early and emergency c section delivery, fear of losing another child, happiness and gratitude of her safe delivery, fear of not being with her in the NICU every second of every day and night, fear of not being a focused mom on my son at home, thankful for doctors and yet fearful for my recovery and health, thankful for my husband and also frustrated with him and mad at myself for not being patient with him, proud of my daughter and afraid for her...
Like me, Husband had never experienced this. I was thankful to have him as a support system because he was also going through emotions at the same time that did feel as a level playing field with me but physically on the recovery side it was exhausting on my body to recover and for him to take care of me. We were on different pages from that regard.
The Nicu staff was great and understood with reassurance on the health side as experts but still not entirely able to support since they were not in our shoes.
Family and friends were supportive though separated from us due to COVID restrictions and really experiencing half information at times- we were sleep deprived and struggling to keep up with keeping everyone informed. It was helpful to send photos and ask them to pray for us- that was a huge help and I truly felt their prayers and God's presence throughout.
One of the biggest challenges was missing half of my heart in both places at home and at the NICU. Caleb my son at home and Kaylee in the Nicu.
At home, I was with my son (my middle schooler) and working through still being his mom. His support system. His rock. He hadn't met Kaylee so showing him pictures just didn't really capture the feeling he wanted of being a big brother. And revisiting pictures really made me reflect “WOW we are going through this ..right.. now” Reality check for me and yet so hard for Caleb to grasp.
Above all, Kaylee’s delivery happened just ONE year to the month after we lost our first baby girl in the first trimester.. Coincidence? Or God’s plan? It was October of last year (2020), she was 8 weeks gestation and our miscarriage report from pathology confirmed Trisomy 13, Turner’s Syndrome. I am crying as I type. Our first little girl.
Realizing Kaylee was born 8 weeks early at 32 weeks, born October (2021) one year later. She is our rainbow baby. I’ll share further on that. We found out we were pregnant with Kaylee on St. Patrick’s Day- and to share the symbolism of a rainbow brings further tears to my eyes.
In all, I felt the need to express myself during this time- I needed an outlet to self reflect and pour into, because being a parent of a preemie baby doesn’t stop after the NICU as I have learned.
This blog website is a navigation through our Journey Through Preemiehood.
