There’s no perfect book on parenting and there sure is no perfect book on preemie parenting.

Believe me, I’ve looked.

But what I’ll say on becoming a preemie parent is this:

-Be in the moment, as scary as it is, be present. I felt fear take over incredible milestones Kaylee was making. Nurses were excited on her hourly progress, her Doctors were excited by her daily progress, I could hardly function worried in the next moment that her tiny life would take a turn for the worst. If I could give myself advice today it would be celebrate each little win and take a breath. A full deep breath and celebrate her hard work and know fear will creep in, but yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow.. NOW is right now and to hold onto that exactly moment. Feel it with gratitude.

-Be honest with each other. I was on overdrive and it sent me back into the hospital with an extreme headache and high blood pressure. I wasn’t being honest with my husband how I needed to sleep and see a therapist to talk through what we were going through. I was trying to be tough with my baby in the NICU vs be honest with myself that I needed someone to talk to.

At the time I was full of fear with being separated from Kaylee being in the NICU and that stress is what I think sent me back to the hospital- I wasn’t eating and sleeping enough and taking care of myself as a postpartum mom.

If I could go back I would have talked to someone to help me cope with what was happening, some kind of rationalization to help me sleep and take care of myself. With being sent back to the hospital I put my milk supply in jeopardy and could not physically see my baby for 2 days.

-Be supportive. Be supportive to each other. The Nicu days are long, scary and fighting is the absolute last thing either party needs. Grace, love and support every step of the way.

++ Those are my tips. Now for what NICU life was like to illustrate what we were going through for 4 weeks from birth (31 weeks 4 days gestation) to 36 weeks, still a preemie but graduated from the NICU!

There are countless moments I would hold onto when the dreaded moments we were apart from Kaylee while she was in the NICU.

It wasn’t very often I would allow myself away. But my husband insisted at night it was impossible to get sleep at the NICU and we had responsibilities of getting our son Caleb to school and be home for him. Therefore, we must go home each night.

Being apart from Kaylee Jane was frightening.

Especially at night.

The unknown would eat at me. I would feel cold all over my body like a missing piece was missing. My newborn baby.

I vividly remember leaving the NICU each evening and looking at Nick’s eyes for some kind of comfort in the elevator, and again getting into the car. He would grab my hand. I would feel sweaty and upset but eager to scribble in my NICU journal to recall the day and decipher the chicken scratch I would write from nurse notes.

And again washing my face, looking at the dark circles in the mirror. Obsessing over the next time I could get into the car to see my baby.

Sleepless nights but absolutely critical to get sleep for strength to be present for Kaylee as she was fighting for her life.

When Nick and I would be at home, forcing ourselves to get sleep I’d set my alarm to every 3 hours to call and check on Kaylee. Sometimes every 2.

I’d call, ask for the NICU, give my parent code from our wristbands, for the call to transfer to NICU, ask for the charge nurse to direct me to Kaylee’s nurse and PRAY she would answer so I would get a full update.

How was her diaper? How was her feeding? How was her temperature? And any “events”

The update call would take 5 minutes, but as I was on hold every time my heart would race and my hands would tremble.

Nick would hold my hand, and help me take deep breaths.

The times I’d call were upon leaving, usually we would wait at the NICU for the nurse shift change at 9pm, make sure the nurses debriefed and we had an opportunity to meet who was taking care of our baby over night.

Then the clock would start, 12AM, 3AM, 6AM, 9AM feedings.

I’d time it to call on the half hour to see “how” did her feedings go.

By the second week it was on the 45 minute mark because KJ would need a slower feeding tube drip so she would have less spit up.

Something that made my post preemie mama anxiety go through the roof. “What if she chokes” the most terrifying experience is to think about my preemie baby choking. The sounds of her struggling was so scary. She was so tiny. Would Kaylee spit up not choke but sit in her vomit waiting for her nurse to check and clean her up?

I’d always wait for the nurse to give the updates and I’d ask twice about spit up and if she had any preemie events.

Again, Nick was complete faith she was fine. Faith I needed to lean into harder.

I had to check. Had to. My mommy brain couldn’t function without knowing. Reassurance. Anything. I’d get off the phone and cry. And Nick was there.

He was supportive, not understanding but supportive. He didn’t make me feel crazy, he’d listen to ask all my routine questions and stay up to listen. He’d half awake listen at 3AM and again listen to me cry at 6AM.

And that’s what I remember. I hold onto the moments of support. The honesty. The going through a feeling of grief and complete gratitude all at the same time but in different ways. We held onto each other, emotionally recalling the moments just before the c section and comparing memories together of what we just went through and what we were going through. A feeling of how life isn’t planned and everything happens for a reason. Again, I wish I had sought counseling to help me navigate emotionally- and encourage anyone who has a baby in the NICU to reach out to your community and support system.